The amazing, all knowing school board

I’m finding it harder and harder to bite my tongue these days when it comes to our kids’ school and the stupidity that seems to come from them lately.

Two weeks ago my son got in trouble for the 2 chocolate easter eggs we put in his lunch. Actually, they were brought home from school and not eaten so we left them in his lunch bag as a treat. He was lectured by his teacher in front of his class on healthy eating and how the school is very much involved in “Ecole en Santé” (healthy schools). Happy Easter there Teach. Bully any kids lately?

My wife, not to be outdone, and in ever protective mommy mode, decided to arm my son the next day with some important debate material. For years we’ve been sending the kids to school with granola bars, peanut free of course, and never got any complaints. My wife downloaded nutrition facts on 2 chocolate easter eggs and packed them back in his lunch bag along with the nutrition facts of the granola bar.

My son came home that night with a big smile, and said he didn’t have any comments about his lunch and/or snacks from his teacher that day.

Sometimes you just have to educate the educators I guess.

And then today happens.

My son comes home with a permission slip for me to sign for an off property class trip. No problem. Sign away I think. But wait, what the fuck is this? The class trip is to Science North. Great destination for these kids. The school is paying for the cost of admission but is asking for $5.00 per child to cover the cost of renting school buses.  Now believe me when I say that the 5 bucks is not the problem here. That’s a cheap excursion, and to a great place. The problem is that the school is kiddy corner to fucken Science North. It would take the class less than 15 minutes to walk there. I give 15 minutes because lord knows the kids would have to slow the fuck down to wait for the teachers. You can literally walk there in less time than it would take to load the kids on the bus. There is probably a distance of about 30 school buses from point A to point B. Ridiculous!

I ask you,

Is that the proper promotion of “Ecole en Santé”?

Mmmm CANDY!!!!

This one’s on the sweeter side of life because…

It’s finally Halloween.

A most joyous time of the year for the guy that loves candy but has a loving wife that does her best to keep me from bringing home the sweet stuff.

A time of year where I get to march the minions (child 1 and 2) out into the neighbourhood to gather as much fun and great tasting treats as possible. Where we get to put to the test another year’s worth of physical training in order to cover as much of the area as possible before it either gets too late or the height challenged little people get sore and tired.

Then the fun begins. Checking and sorting all the candy into 6 different piles. Yes that’s 6 piles.  6 different categories to be bagged and labelled for the purpose of ….?

Pile #1 is the apples and stuff that looks like it might have been tampered with. The garbage.

Pile #2 is the Coffee Crisp pile for my wife. Yes, as much as she tries to protect me from the harmful effects of sweet sweet candy, she too has a weakness. So all the Coffee Crisp chocolate bars go into one pile for her and her alone.

Pile #3 is chips/cheesies. Fun for all but kept out of reach from the little people.

Pile #4 is the crap nobody wants and goes in the bowl at the front door for the late door knockers that are probably too old to be trick or treating anyway. Enjoy Loogans.

Pile #5 is mine and will be combined with the excess that was bought for Halloween to begin with. I over buy every year on purpose.

Pile #6 is whatever is leftover. This pile will be split in two and given back to the minions.

Oh I know how this all sounds, and quite frankly I don’t care. Show me someone who says they don’t steal their kid’s Hallowe’en treats and I’ll show you someone who is full of shit.

I love Halloween. If I didn’t I would just buy the stuff I want and turn out the lights to enjoy my own candy in peace and quiet.

I truly enjoy the chaos in the neighbourhood with all the little people running around, in total disregard for their own safety. I will normally stand in the middle of the road while out with the kids. For 2 reasons. First, so I can see all the kids running around up and down the streets. The costumes, the decorated houses, the scary sounds, and all the laughter. The second reason for standing in the middle of the road is for safety reasons, believe it or not. I figure the guy driving that car might not see the little kid dressed all in black as Darth Vader, but he definitely will not miss the 6″3″  270lb man standing in the road.

Enjoy this evening.

Enjoy the smiles.

Enjoy the friendly parents.

And most of all…enjoy your kid’s candy.

What is your favorite candy to steal from the kids? Do you offer coffee to the passing parents?

WARNING !!!! PEDESTRIANS ?

I feel like I’ve walked/drove into some kind of twilight zone the last couple of days. Pedestrians everywhere…everywhere pedestrians. And they’re all suffering from a serious case of stupid. When did we as a society stop worrying about the consequences of our actions? (There’s a whole other topic.)

Over the past week I’ve just about hit 4 textards, 2 old ladies. a guy in a scooter with only one leg, and what looked like a mini parade of mothers with balloon clad strollers.

Don’t get me wrong, I will normally give pedestrians the right of way, but for fuck sakes. Before you say the obvious…the common denominator is me….let me explain.

The 4 textards: Between us, self explanatory. Texting and walking should be banned. See previous post. Just the fact that it happened 4 times in a week is proof enough.

The 2 old ladies: This was 2 separate blue hair incidents. The first one was at the grocery store. She stood behind my car looking around the parking lot for a few minutes. Obviously looking for her car, but took the time to watch me get in my car with her helpless confused look that said either “do you know what my car looks like” or “do I know you”. I started the car and put it in reverse. I’m pretty sure she noticed cause once I put it in reverse she looked at my tail lights. NOTHING!!! I inched towards her and still nothing. I actually had to honk the horn to get her to move along. She disappeared. I backed out and started to drive off. This crazy old broad must have finally spotted her wheels because her 4’2″ frame leaped from between two parked cars and did it’s best impression of a run towards her mint grey Park Dynasty. I slam on the brakes inches from grazing the top of her head with my bumper and she flips me the bird. Yes. I managed to get an 80 something to flip me the bird. The second blue hair incident actually walked into the intersection, stopped halfway across the road, around the same place I stopped before hitting her, looked up at the lights and realized she shouldn’t be there. She looked at me in shock, and started walking back and forth in front of the car like the duck shoot at the carnival. Proving that “go back or continue” was the biggest decision she was going to make today.

The old guy in the scooter: may not be entirely his fault. He was stretching his neck to check out the short shorts across the road when he drove off the curb and onto the road in front of my car. In a moment of weakness, I not only stopped, but also got out to help the guy get his scooter back on the sidewalk. He thanked me but didn’t seem too impressed that I couldn’t stop laughing. C’mon. A one legged man drives his scooter off the sidewalk into oncoming traffic because he was checking out some chick a third his age….that was funny.

The Mommy/stroller parade: I was with my wife on this one and we couldn’t believe what had just happened. This was apparently some kind of “Moms behaving like idiots while pushing baby in stroller” parade. We were stopped at a red and we watched as this convoy approached. The first problem was that rather than crossing when they could, they stopped and waited, FOR A RED. My light turns green and I start to cross. Problem #2. So does the misfit parade. I stopped just in time to watch mom #4 yell at the other 3 that they aren’t supposed to cross on a red. Rather than get out of the way, they continue on, and call for the rest to follow. We honestly waited for this cackle of shittards to cross and no word of lie, apologize for putting us out. You could have just waited for the light. There was about 15 of them in total. so maybe they arranged special stroller parade permits or something and I’m in the wrong. At the end of the day though, each and every one of these Moms are raising our future leader. Ummm yeah!

I would have been at fault if I took out any one of these detriments to the gene pool. I’m not the smartest guy going by any means, but I kind of wish Darwin’s theory would kick in every once in awhile. I put on quite a bit of mileage in the course of a year because of my job, and I probably see this stuff more than others, but seriously man, give your head a shake.

 

“The all knowing one” spoke and I jumped

WTF was I thinking?

T.A.K.O.: “You’re funny! You need to write a blog.”

Me: Uh…..O.K.?

T.A.K.O. “Then you just start a new facebook page, and link them together, and presto. Easy peasy.”

WTF?????

I’m a bit retarded (oh sorry, mentally dumbassed) when it comes to proper lingo and following verbal instructions. TAKO should know this by now. 11 years of wedded BLISS this weekend.

Tell me to do something and I won’t.

Tell me how to do it, and you’ll probably lose my attention after the first “do you know what I mean?”

Draw me a picture and I’ll make it sexually explicit.

Hold my hand and take me through it step by step and I’m wondering when all this hand holding leads to something else.

Yes, I know that I’m a pain in the ass handful of a fucktard. Not sure how TAKO(the all knowing one) puts up with it most days.

I have to figure stuff out myself. Why? I don’t know. Stop asking stupid questions.

The easy way to set all this shit up is to apparently just open a new facebook account, which requires a new email address. I already have more than I can handle(2).

Seriously man!!! I’ve got 2 email accounts, twitter, home phone. cell phone, toll free #, BBM, msn messenger, Skype, and the list just keeps growing. I would be just as happy with one phone and an answering machine. If it’s important, leave a message. If I want to talk to you, I’ll call you back. If you don’t hear from me within a week, it’s because I’ve deemed you a waste of time and you should thank your lucky stars that I didn’t actually answer the phone when you called.

Seems everyone is so hung up on being connected 24hrs a day that they forget to pay attention to what’s right in front of them. Literally! I just about ran over 2 of these text addict pedestrian fuckasses today. Texting and walking across the road without even checking for traffic. Apparently we need more laws to help save our stupid. We have them for texting and driving, because we couldn’t figure it out for ourselves that this just isn’t exactly safe. New law: no texting and walking. Find it right in between no J-Walking and no walking down the middle of the 401 at dusk. S.O.S.  Save Our Stupid.

I will figure this out, just as I’ve learnt to drive around the textard. In the meantime, please enjoy my frustrations and give your head a shake.

 

Rejoice ! It’s me !!!

So apparently I have opinions on just about everything. Some serious, but most are just a fun way to get people’s panties in a knot.

I’ve been asked to put my thoughts in a blog. It’s not an easy thing to say yes to. Not everyone needs to hear my thoughts and/or opinions, and I don’t need everyone to know them either.

They are what they are. If you like it…great. If not…why are you still here? If you’d like to challenge me…that’s cool too. Get nasty and I’ll make you look stupid and block you. Well probably not. I’d more likely keep you around, like a pet.

Not much for drama but I do love to stir the pot.

Voice your opinions. I know I’ll voice mine.

Keep it funny. Will let you laugh at me often enough. The stuff I do and say gets me in trouble quite a bit, although I’m surprised by some of the shit I get away with.

Now I gots ta lern somfin

What the hell am I doing?

Starting to think the people who told me to start a blog were just trying to keep me busy.

Just wait till I figure this out. My biggest and most vile stories will be about you.